The Pirate

This is probably a pretty old joke, but a friend recently sent it to me and I think it's very funny.  My "joke of the week:"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile.  What happened?  You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k., but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Whose Cookie Is That?

So it's been suggested to me that I should lighten up my blog posts a bit, despite the fact that they my blog was intended to be curmudgeonly from the outset.   However, I will try to lighten things up with....a joke.

A CEO, a Tea Party member, and a union representative sit at a table. 

There is a plate with 12 cookies. 

The CEO takes 11, turns to the Tea Party member, and says, 'Look out! That union guy wants your cookie!'

What?   You're not laughing?  OK, so it's not a major side-splitter, but it is a joke. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

Aircraft Tragedy...

A friend sent this email recently and I thought it needed to be shared.

Sure would hate to be involved in this one............

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image.

A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

Thoughts for the Day

My friend Pat sent me these and I thought they were both insightful and hilarious! Hope you enjoy.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this thing I have-- ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet, on any given Friday or Saturday night, more kisses begin with Bud Light than with a Kay jeweler product.

Golfing With Jesus, Moses, and...

Today, a good joke! Thanks to Pat!

Moses, Jesus, and an old, bearded man were out playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised His club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there it bounces onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolls down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, it hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."