He's Really A Lovely Dog

So we adopted a rescued Golden Retriever at the end of last summer. Yes, we had no idea there were Golden Retrievers needing to be rescued, but there are, sadly.  At any rate, we waited 6 months to be matched to a dog the right age, temperament, and such, and the wait was well worth it.  Guinness is a 3 year old pooch who fit right into our family.

Mr. G

His foster family told us he was extremely well-behaved and appeared to have had some training in his previous life.  He was found as a stray in Chicago and they said he never barked.   He barked at me within two days of moving in.  That was pretty much how things went: we welcomed him and he picked up a number of behaviors he hadn't exhibited before.  None of them were big problems.  He barked at me when I wasn't picking up on his silent cues to help him retrieve a tennis ball under the couch and he even developed a low growl when he needed to go outside and no one was listening.  All good.

We've always had Goldens (Guinness is our fourth) and they are a wonderful breed.  They're excellent with children, smart, easily trained, and always ready to play.  One of the somewhat peculiar traits we quickly noticed Guinness brought us was that he can go to sleep at the drop of a hat anywhere.  If he's outside and done playing, he'll just lie down (on grass, the deck, or a snowdrift) and go to sleep. If there's nothing going on in the house at the moment, time for some shut-eye.  He matches our life-style perfectly.

Anyway, one of those strange traits that he began to display after he moved in, is he is absolutely fascinated by cats.  All my kids have one or more cats in their homes (in addition to dogs) and Guinness is relentless in his pursuit of felines.  He chases them and tries to figure out how he can get beyond baby-gates set up to provide cat safe-havens.  He hasn't been deterred by hissing, claws, or feline growling.  Nothing distracts him from his mission.  This dog is absolutely gentle with babies, toddlers, and older humans, but if there's a cat in the area, he is relentless.

One of my daughters recently observed him totally focused at the door (with a baby-gate) to a bedroom housing a couple of cats, even when the door was closed.  She commented that maybe we should name him Alf, after the much-beloved alien in the TV series (1986-1990) who thought cats were delicious and never understood why humans kept them as pets.  Alf was quoted once as saying "The only good cat is a stir-fried cat."  On another occasion, Alf asked the mother of the house "Yo Kate, where do you keep the casserole dishes? (Why?) The cat won't fit in the toaster."  Suffice it to say, Alf loved cats, but not the way most humans love cats.  

Our Goldens have always had numerous nicknames; they don't recognize them as names, per se, but they never seemed to mind.  For Goldens, any attention is better than being ignored.  For example, we've had an Indian name ("In The Way") for use pretty much all the time and a Jewish name ("Moe Ros" [long "O"]) for when he seems sad.  So we are now adding "Alf" to the list of authorized nicknames for Guinness. 

I'll end with another quotation from the TV show (Lucky was the Tanners' cat):

(Lucky has died and the Tanners are having a funeral for him.)

ALF : I'm reminded of a prayer he used to recite every night before going to bed : "And if I die before I wake, chicken-fry me like a steak."

ALF : Where I'm from, this is ludicrous! It's like having a funeral for a hamburger!

But he's really a lovely dog!

No Love For The Love Boat?

Well, friends, time marches on and in case you needed proof, here's one for all the boomers: The Love Boat is being ripped up for scrap.  Yep, the Pacific Princess, home to Captain Stubing and Gopher and the rest of the Love Boat gang is officially decommissioned.  The ship could host about 600 passengers and that's just too tiny by today's standards, with cruise ships that host 3000 people.  

Of course, the Love Boat never caught fire while on a cruise, never had all it's toilets fail at once, and never capsized while full of passengers.  Both those sort of metrics are just so....yesterday. 

Design By Committee

I recently rediscovered this brilliant cartoon that crystallizes what's wrong with creating things by committee.   There's certainly a place for collaboration and it's often touted as the only way to success, but there are innumerable examples of how a committee screwed up a project.   

I'm sure everyone can come up with examples of committee decision-making run amok.  Click the image to make it larger.

 

National Curmudgeon Day

image from: http://www.greerviewmirror.com/

If I'd known about this earlier, I would have posted it earlier.   Today was National Curmudgeon Day and I think that's a great idea.   

Hallmark, have you developed appropriate cards?

Two Very Funny Videos

This is a first: I'm posting links to a couple of very funny parody videos that make fun of a couple of REALLY big Internet companies.   

The first is a jab at Amazon, which is now promoting next day and same day delivery.  How could they top that?   Think about it.  Then watch the Youtube video.

The second one takes a shot at Google, that company that keeps coming up with all sorts of things we didn't know we needed until they came up with it.   Like the car that drives itself and that email system that doesn't ever throw any messages away even if you put them in the "Trash" and any number of other innovative products.   Here's another one: this video explains how Google will help you get rid of those clunky smart phone keyboards and really start multitasking. 

If you don't find these videos funny, I'd like to hear why not.

Placating Poppop

So I had sole custody of my #2 grandson for a few hours this afternoon and fortunately, he agreed to actually sleep through his nap time for part of the custodial period.  After the nap, we had a snack, told a few jokes, and turned him loose in the toy strewn family room for a while. 

During his subsequent ransacking of the family room, I offered to read Nathaniel a book.  I attempted to entice him with one of his least favorite books, "Jumbo."   It's not one of my favorites either, but it was just a prop, and I kept asking hm if he'd like me to read him a book.

"Do you want me to read you a story?   How about we read a book?   Don't you want me to read you a book?  C'mon, Nathaniel, let's read a book."

This went on for several minutes until he went over to one of the bins in the family room, rummaged around in it for a moment or two, and fished out a book.  He turned around and began to walk across the room toward me with a big grin on his face.  

Nathaniel handed me the book, turned around, and walked away to resume ransacking.  His message was clear and didn't involve speaking or sign-language: "Here you go Poppop.  Here's a book.   Knock yourself out." 

He apparently had more important things to do.  I will recognize that smile the next time I see it plastered across his face.
 

World's First Blonde Guy Joke?

A friend passed this one to me recently.   I got a good laugh from it!

    The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait !!!!

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

    They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas ! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

    "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

   

The Pirate

This is probably a pretty old joke, but a friend recently sent it to me and I think it's very funny.  My "joke of the week:"

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in awhile.  What happened?  You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k., but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.  I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

On Ferengis and Deep Space 9

I started this post a while ago, and then didn't finish it.   At the time, I had been reminded (I now don't know what reminded me...) of the Ferengi Alliance, the fictional planetary government of the equally fictional planet Ferenginar from Star Trek.  Because of the pleasant feelings brought back by memories of the inhabitants of Deep Space 9 (DS9), I thought a blog post about it would be a nice break from talking about the lousy economy and politics. (This part hasn't changed since I started this post!)

Ferengis were motivated by the pursuit of profit and their fictional universe was a clever reflection of our own capitalist tendencies.  The Ferengi were my favorite species from all the Star Trek shows, especially DS9 (which ran from 1993-1999), and were one of the most creative parts of the entire ST universe (IMHO).   For reasons that have always escaped me, DS9 was NOT the most watched or popular of the Star Trek series.   I found the stories and characters on DS9 to be more engaging and thought-provoking than all but Star Trek: The Next Generation, but that intelligence could be why DS9 didn't generate as big a following.

Quark

The core and foundation of the Ferengi civilization were The Rules of Acquisition, which as it turns out, weren't rules as much as "guidelines."  On the other hand, the DS9 resident Ferengis, Quark (portrayed by Armin Shimerman) and his brother Rom, represented the full range of Ferengi behaviors and the pursuit of profit was generally right out there in front.   At the same time, Quark (pictured here in the year 2375) was known to take only minimal profit on occasion in order to help out someone who couldn't afford to pay his/her way unassisted.

Thanks to the Internet, there's what seems to be a never-ending supply of details and reminisces of all the Star Trek "realities."  I'm going to include several links below to a few web sites that bring a smile to my face, and maybe yours.   They contain a ridiculous amount of information on Quark and his compatriots.  And perhaps not surprisingly, Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia has countless entries pertaining to Star Trek and all its components and characters.

Elim Garak

The seven years of DS9 stories were all entertaining, engaging, and thought-provoking and it was one of the few television series that I would have been happy to continue watching forever.   I miss Commander Sisko, Jadzia Dax, Quark, Odo, and my favorite tailor, Garak (portrayed by Andrew Robinson).

There are a (ridiculously) enormous number of web sites that contain lists of the always entertaining Ferengi Rules of Acquisition.  If commerce was the religion of Ferengi, then the Rules were their Bible.   The Rules are both relentlessly capitalist as well as subtly amusing and I love reading them over from time to time.   There is a lot of wisdom buried in those Rules.   Some of my favorite Rules are at the end of this post.

The next few paragraphs are quotes from several relevant web sites and links to them. 

--------------

"The Rules of Acquisition, in the fictional Star Trek universe, are a set of guidelines intended to ensure the profitability of businesses owned by the ultra-capitalist alien race known as Ferengi. The first rule was made by Gint, the first Grand Nagus of the Ferengi Alliance, a role with political, economic, and even quasi-religious duties. The title of "Rules of Acquisition" was chosen as a clever marketing ploy (since the rules are merely guidelines) and Gint numbered his first rule as #162, in order to create a demand for the other 161 Rules that had yet to be written. The Rules were said to be divinely inspired and sacred (thus furthering the original marketing ploy)."

--------------

"The Ferengi believe that the universe is held together by the Great Material Continuum, also known as the Great River. They believe that each part of the universe has too much of one thing, but not enough of another, and it is through the continual flow of the Great River that wants and needs can be fulfilled, if one navigates the River with sufficient entrepreneurial skill. By request and especially for Nicola, here are the complete Ferengi rules of acquisition.   "

--------------

"The Rules of Acquisition were a numbered series of aphorisms, guidelines, and principles that provided the foundation of business philosophy in Ferengi culture. They were first written ten thousand years ago by Gint, the first Grand Nagus. In the mid-22nd century there were 173 rules, but by the 24th century there were 285. Commentaries existed for the Rules. (ENT: "Acquisition", DS9: "Rules of Acquisition")

There was also a short-lived revised edition of the Rules written by Grand Nagus Zek after having his state of mind changed by the Bajoran Prophets. These rules were almost complete opposites of the original rules and promoted honesty and charity. After Zek recovered, he ordered all copies of the new rules to be destroyed. (DS9: "Prophet Motive")"

--------------
The Ferengi were quite honest about their interests.   To make money.   And then make more money.

The Rules are so extensive, I find it impossible to select a favorite, but here are a few I think are noteworthy.

50.  Never bluff a Klingon (because a Klingon will shoot first and ask questions later?)
76.  Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies
92.  Never confuse wisdom with luck (something our politicians should remember)
106.  There is no honor in poverty  (Reminds me of Tevye's line in "Fiddler On The Roof")
125.  A lie isn't a lie until someone else knows the truth (something our politicians seem to remember without being reminded)
208. Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.  
223.  Rich men don't come to buy; they come to take 

What's that smell?

Getting old is tough.   Lots of things you thought you knew turn out to be not quite true anymore and even your senses start misleading you...

Barbara Brotman writes for the Chicago Tribune and her columns are always engaging.  This one is engaging, humorous, and even educational.   Seems that baby boomers can't even trust their sense of smell these days...  That's not a skunk you smell, it's....a doobie?

Further Evidence of Aging

As if I needed more evidence...

When you reach the age of social security awareness, strange things can happen.   As a retired Federal worker, I am not covered by social security, but my spouse is.   And she recently retired after 23 years at the same bank branch (although having worked for 5 or 6 banks during that time span).

So during the online application process, the Social Security Administration wanted proof of my wife's marriage in support of her (long-ago) name change.   We just celebrated our 40th anniversary and Nancy blithely sent me off to the safe deposit box to get the marriage certificate, license, or whatever it was.   Well, whatever it was, it wasn't there.   We'd just assumed we had it in amongst the passports, birth certificates, mortgage documents, and other records we haven't looked at in decades.  We quickly concluded that we apparently don't have our marriage record.  It got even sillier when I went online to see how to get a copy.   

We were married in Nancy's parent's home on Long Island.  Neither of us had any recollection of obtaining a marriage license, and according to the Nassau County web site, marriage licenses aren't issued by the County, but by three townships and a couple of cities in Nassau County.  My wife and I stared at each other blankly as neither of us knew in which township her parent's home was.  North Hempstead, Hempstead?  We could get a copy from the NYS Health Department, but it would cost us ($30 plus $15 for priority handling plus $7.25 for using a credit card and take 10 business days; without priority handling, it would take 2 to 4 weeks).  I made a wild guess and called the Hempstead Township Clerk's office and explained that we needed a 40 year old marriage certificate but didn't know what office had issued the certificate.   

I suspect that the Hempstead employee thought she had a doddering flower child on the phone who couldn't remember in what town he'd been married...  She asked if I was sure of the wedding date...

After faxing a request for them to find out if Hempstead had our record, we waited eagerly for a response.   In the meantime, the Social Security Administration web site was no longer requesting evidence of the name change.  My wife told me we should still get the copy if possible so she wouldn't have any "issues" if I drop dead.  

The next day, we received a phone message from Hempstead telling us they had our marriage record and how did we wish to pay for it?   In the spirit of elderly flower children everywhere, I gave her my credit card number and commented that Hempstead's price ($16) was much less than the NYS Health Department fee for the same record.  The clerk muttered something about Hempstead also being much faster.

The certificate will be mailed out on Tuesday (Monday being a holiday) and we'll have our record in a few days.   

Any time after that, it will be OK for me to play in traffic.  My wife will be so relieved.

Growing Up

So my grandson Josh started kindergarten last week.   My wife and I have been "baby-sitting" him two days a week since he was a few months old; the other 3 days he attended preschool near his parents' work.  I put "baby-sitting" in quotes because I truly question how much monitoring I've done in the past 5 1/2 years.  More likely, I was learning from him as he discovered the world and observed the strange ways lots of things work.  The transition to kindergarten has been surprisingly hard; for me, not Joshua.

I have lost my favorite playmate and I never saw it coming.   He and I have seen  17 movies in the past year, and perhaps as many as 30 in the past 2 1/2 years.  We both love popcorn and lemonade and movies.  Other activities have included biweekly library visits (where we played chess or checkers on giant boards), building stuff with Legos, miniature golf, attending kid plays, and climbing trees.  Now I'm faced with baby-sitting Joshua's brother twice a week and he's actually a baby (4 months old or thereabouts).  I'm starting all over again.

Anyway, the point of this post is to speculate how Joshua will deal with school demands.  We've speculated that he will do fine, but I've wondered if he will break his teacher by Columbus Day; he can be a very strong-willed fellow.   

I think we got a hint last Friday.  He came home from 3 half-days of school (full days began today) and asked his mother "Mom, will school get harder?"  Before she could respond, Joshua followed up with "'Cause so far it's been arts and crafts..."  That preschool is a tough act to follow.

And I'm going to miss my playmate. 

The Legacy of the "Great Stone Face"

If you are of a "certain age," you probably remember what you were doing every, and I mean EVERY, Sunday night back in the 1950s and 1960s.   You were camped out with the rest of your family in front of your Crosley, Sylvania, or Zenith television watching the same show as everyone else you knew.   The Ed Sullivan Show.   It was the mother of all variety shows, a genre which doesn't exist on TV these days, even with (or because of) the 500+ channels many of us can access via cable or satellite.   It was a genre that included comedians, musicians, and what always seemed to me to be leftover vaudeville acts.   And when I say leftover, I'm not using the term in a negative manner at all.  

A recent article in the Trib described the Ed Sullivan Show on the 40th anniversary of the show's cancellation back in 1971.  It's nearly impossible to describe to a person born after 1971 how big the Sullivan show was, but here's a comparison to today's big pop TV shows:

"American Idol" draws about 30 million viewers for its grand-finale shows, whereas Sullivan attracted some 40 million viewers nearly every Sunday night for two decades — when the country had half as many people as it does now.

In the article, Gerald Nachman says that the show today is remembered for two of its "10,000 acts":  the American debut of the Beatles and Elvis Presley's scandalizing hip gyrations.  I don't agree with that assessment.   I'll bet that if you were watching TV when the Ed Sullivan Show was airing, you remember two other acts: Topo Gigio, and that guy who spun multiple pie plates on long poles.  Who could forget the "little Italian mouse?"  And what about Senor Wences?!

That said, Nachman discusses in detail that Sullivan's greatest legacy was his relentless efforts to introduce black entertainers to the wider viewing public, acts like The Supremes, Sam Cooke, and a very young Richard Pryor.   

The show was truly a remarkable trend setter and brought countless hours of entertainment right into our living rooms every week.  The Trib article is well worth the 10 minutes to read it.

I miss variety television shows.   But you probably figured that out already.

From The Mouths of

So my grandson came over this morning a little later than normal.   Usually, he comes over before I'm even out of bed and my wife takes care of breakfast.   Today, it was just us two guys.

So, Josh tells me all about the fantastic "double chocolate" doughnut his parents had gotten him this morning when they were dropping off Dad at work.  His mom had one also.

Anyway, I'm getting my breakfast ready and chatting with Josh, and I'm almost ready to sit down with my bowl of cereal.  Josh is watching everything and finally says, "So Pop-pop, that doughnut was just to hold me over."

I looked at him and didn't immediately understand what he was saying.   So, I say "OK."  Joshua, who long ago realized his grandfather was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, repeats: "Pop-pop, the doughnut was just to hold me over."  My son also used the explanatory technique of repeating the exact same words when I didn't understand his question or explanation.  It generally didn't help.

Anyway, I finally realize what's going on.   "Josh, you mean you didn't have breakfast at home?"  His face noticeably relaxed and he nodded.   Suffice it to say, I asked what he'd like, we got his breakfast prepared (he chose rice krispies, with milk) and all was well. 

It's a very good thing Josh and I are so simpatico.   Neither of us stands on any formalities and we just like hanging out together.   I could easily have him remain 5 1/2 for a long, long time.

Remind me to tell you about the quest for free air to inflate my Mustang tires (that was after breakfast).   He shared some choice words of wisdom for me that I should probably heed.  But not today.

Words To Live By

A friend recently sent me an email with the pithy and wise rules for living, written by Regina Brett, who has written for a number of Ohio newspapers over the years.   The email says she "recently" turned 90, but in fact, that part of the email is wrong.   She turned 50 in 2006, and republished her list of 45 rules with an additional 5.  You can see them above, or right here!  Hope you enjoy it.

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over-prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Who Needs A Brain?

I like this quote so much I put it on my list of favorite quotes (scroll down toward the bottom of the blog) as well as here:

“Let’s say that she’s 90 percent [recovered]. Well, we’ve had congressmen in Arizona who didn’t even have a brain. So, it’s not like you have to be as talented as she is to be good at it.” Mike McNulty, Rep. Gabrielle Giffords' last campaign manager on her viability to run for Sen. Kyl's Senate seat in Arizona (Newsweek, 4/10/11) 

Gasoline Coupon

As the average price of gasoline in the US edges over $4/gallon, Americans are beginning cast about for ways to deal with it.  One of those ways, is engaging in what some might call "gallows humor."   The following was sent to me by a friend as an email.  I don't know if the email will translate well to a blog post, but I found it to be pretty darn funny and wanted to share it.  The biggest alteration is that in the email, you had to scroll down quite a bit to see the coupon...

Gasoline Coupon

I didn't realize it, but these coupons are good for one gallon of gas at most retailers.  I have seen them around, but until recently never took advantage of them, I never realized their actual worth.

You probably have one or two just lying around somewhere; now is the time to use them before they lose their value, and it's too late!!


SEE COUPON BELOW...

For Those In Northern Climes

Have no fear, winter is soon to end.   Spring is just around the corner...

 

Whose Cookie Is That?

So it's been suggested to me that I should lighten up my blog posts a bit, despite the fact that they my blog was intended to be curmudgeonly from the outset.   However, I will try to lighten things up with....a joke.

A CEO, a Tea Party member, and a union representative sit at a table. 

There is a plate with 12 cookies. 

The CEO takes 11, turns to the Tea Party member, and says, 'Look out! That union guy wants your cookie!'

What?   You're not laughing?  OK, so it's not a major side-splitter, but it is a joke. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

Questions That Shouldn't Have Answers

I just thought this Real Life Adventures comic was pretty funny today.